Free Skit: World’s Fastest House Warming Party

Jeff and Addie are friends of mine in real life. I certainly hope they’ve never been to a party like this, but I’m pretty sure this is how it would go down if they did. Share and enjoy.

World’s Fastest House Warming Party
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Todd- A foolish builder
Ron- A wise builder
Jeff and Addie – Neighbors
Other party guests

Tables are set on on stage with drinks, snacks, etc. A sprinkling of party guests are on stage enjoying the food and drink. Todd has a tray of hors d’oeuvres and is serving as the lights come up. Jeff and Addie enter.

TODD: Hi there.
JEFF: Hello. Is this the house warming party?
TODD: Yes it is. I’m Todd Maxwell, and you are?
JEFF: I’m Jeff, and this is my wife Addie.
ADDIE: Hello.
TODD: Hello, thank you for coming. Care for an hors d’oeuvres?
ADDIE: Ohh, thank you.
JEFF: So you’re the guy who built the house?
TODD: Yes, sir, I am. How do you like it?
JEFF: I love it.
ADDIE: It’s so beautiful!
JEFF: Is this real marble we’re standing on?
TODD: It is! I ordered that special from Italy.
ADDIE: It’s gorgeous.
JEFF: I told you we need to do this when we re-do our kitchen.
TODD: Have a look around. I spared no expense, from the foundation up to the attic.
ADDIE: It’s all very lovely.
JEFF: Yeah. There’s just one thing I don’t get. Why did you build your house down here on the beach and not up on the rock?
TODD: (laughs) Have a drink, folks, enjoy the party.
JEFF: But I–
ADDIE: Oh, look, Jeffy, they have Near Beer!

Addie and Jeff walk over to a table to get some drinks. Ron enters.

RON: Hello, Todd.
TODD: Hey there, Ron. How are you?
RON: So, you really did it. You built your house.
TODD: It’s a beauty, isn’t it?
RON: It is… for now.
TODD: Still don’t believe it’s going to last?
RON: I told you from the beginning, for a few dollars more, you could have built on the rock up the hill next to mine.
TODD: Have an hors d’oeuvres and stop worrying. This house isn’t going anywhere.

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff walks over to Todd.

JEFF: Hey, buddy, I think the bedrooms on the back of your house just broke off and fell into the sand.
TODD: Nonsense, Jim.
JEFF: It’s Jeff.
TODD: Have another hors d’oeuvres and enjoy yourself.

Jeff walks away with an hors d’oeuvres. Addie excuses herself silently and exits.

RON: This is what I was talking about. This house won’t stay very long on the sand. There’s a pretty strong wind blowing out there, and all this marble and stone and brick is only going to make it sink faster.
TODD: Don’t you have a place of your own to hang out?
RON: I do, and if you’re smart, you and all these people will move this party up to my house. I’ll fire up the grill.
TODD: I already have a grill fired up out back.

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff walks over to Todd.

JEFF: Hey, buddy, your back porch just fell off your house into the sand. I think it’s on fire!
RON: There goes the grill.
TODD: Everybody just calm down. This house isn’t going anywhere. It’s solid marble.

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff runs to stage left and looks.

RON: There goes another one.
JEFF: Hey, buddy! Your bathroom just fell into the sand – with my wife in it! Addie!

Jeff runs off stage.

RON: Okay, Todd, party’s over. Everyone, we’re getting out of here, now!

All the party guests exit quickly, ignoring Todd.

TODD: Don’t listen to this know-it-all! He’s just trying to steal my thunder. He can’t stand that I built a better house here on the sand and proved him wrong!

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff and Addie walk through. Addie is completely covered in sand and dirt and looks like Pig Pen as she crosses.

ADDIE: Bye bye, everybody! Thanks for the hors d’oeuvres!

Jeff and Addie exit.

RON: Are you coming?
TODD: No way! I’m staying right here.
RON: Okay, then. Good luck!

Ron exits.

TODD: I don’t need luck! I have a beautiful house, and it doesn’t matter what I built it on. Nothing’s gonna take this house –

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a blackout on stage.

JEFF: (a long way off) Hey buddy, you okay down there?
TODD: (clicks on a lighter) Great! Never better. Would one of you mind cutting a hole in my roof?

Free Skit – “If It Feels Good”

We got in trouble with this skit once. I think the skit speaks for itself without coming out and saying what the message is, but apparently there are some people out there who would prefer that you come out and teach a lesson during or after a skit rather than having to read between the lines.

I have a feeling those people would have hated Jesus’s sermons.

Here’s one of my all-time favorites, and a favorite of the touring company. And no, I’m not going to come out and say what it means here either.

Share and enjoy.

If It Feels Good
By John Cosper

THEME: Relativism and morality

CHARACTERS
Simon- A new age thinker
Lenny- A passer-by
Chuck- A cop

(Simon is on stage, holding a sign that says, “If it feels good, do it.” Lenny enters, reads the sign.)

LENNY- Hi there.
SIMON- Hi.
LENNY- What’s this, a political protest?
SIMON- Kind of. More of a moral protest.
LENNY- I see. What does it mean?
SIMON- I’m protesting the notion that there’s an absolute set of morals that determine
what’s right and wrong for everyone.
LENNY- Sorry, you lost me. Care to explain in English?
SIMON- Well, see, just because of the Bible and the silly 10 commandments, people
think there’s only one set of morals for all of us to follow. But you can’t expect everyone to live by the same set of morals, can you?
LENNY- I don’t know, can you?
SIMON- Of course not. I believe each individual has the right to make up his own mind
what’s right and wrong, and to stick by those values.
LENNY- In other words, if it feels good, do it.
SIMON- Exactly.
LENNY- I see.

(Pause, then Lenny punches Simon in the face.)

SIMON- OWW… what was that for?
LENNY- Just following your advice. You know back in school one day I asked a bully
why he was beating my face in, and he said it felt good and you know what? (punches Simon again) He was right!
SIMON- Oh, my face?
LENNY- I wonder if it feels as good in the (punches Simon in the–) stomach! And a (karate chops Simon on the back, who falls) chop to the back!
SIMON- Ohhhhhh!!!
LENNY- And a few kicks to the gut!!

(Lenny kicks Simon several times.)

LENNY- Wait right there. I want to try something else.

(Lenny runs off.)

SIMON- What are you doing? (sees Lenny off) Oh no.. no!!

(Lenny runs on with a folded metal chair and begins to beat Simon on the back as Simon howls.)

LENNY- Always thought that looked like fun on wrestling.
SIMON- Stop hurting me!!
LENNY- What?
SIMON- Stop hurting me!!
LENNY- Why should I?
SIMON- Because it’s wrong, you moron!
LENNY- Are you judging me? Are you persecuting me for my values?
SIMON- No, I… I just don’t want you to hurt me any more.
LENNY- But it (kick) feels (kick) so (kick) good!

(Chuck enters.)

CHUCK- Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on here?
SIMON- Oh… thank goodness you’re here. This guy’s beating me up for no reason.
CHUCK- Is that a fact?
LENNY- No, sir, officer. I’m simply acting on my moral convictions. I believe if it feels
good, you should do it.
CHUCK- And beating this guy up feels good?
LENNY- Oh yes, sir.
CHUCK- Who taught you that stupid philosophy?

(Lenny points at Simon.)

CHUCK- I see.
SIMON- What are you waiting for? Arrest him!
CHUCK- I can’t do that, sir. He’s got a constitutional right to freedom of religion.
SIMON- What? You must be mad.
CHUCK- Hey, don’t take that attitude. Look at the bright side. (pulls out his billy club) You made two converts tonight.
SIMON- Oh no, not you!

(Chuck beats Simon with the club. Lenny kicks Simon. Simon howls in pain.)

CHUCK- Hey, you were right, man. This does feel good.
LENNY- You know what would feel really good? Tossing him off a bridge.

(They look at Simon with evil grins.)

SIMON- Oh no.
CHUCK- Let’s do it!

(They pick up Simon and carry him off.)

SIMON- Wait!!! I changed my mind!! Let me go! I can’t swim!

Free Skit About Hosea

I’m a day late, as I try to get these up on Sunday nights, but here is this week’s free skit. This one’s brand new. It’s the one for all of you who have said to yourself, “You know the one thing I can never find is a good skit about the story of Hosea.”

Share and enjoy.

Hosea’s Kids
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Hosea

CHARACTERS
Jezreel
Not Loved
Not My Kid

Jezreel walks on stage.

JEZREEL: Growing up in Israel, I had friends with normal names and normal meanings. My friend John’s name means God is gracious. My buddy Matthew’s name means Gift of God. My name is Jezreel. Jezreel doesn’t mean anything special like John or Matthew. Jezreel was a battlefield where the wicked King Ahab and his wife Jezebel slaughtered a bunch of God’s prophets. My father was a prophet too, and he gave me that name to tell the people of Israel that they would soon suffer just as the prophets did under Ahab. Dad made his point, but he also made life miserable for me. Elementary school is bad enough without being named for an unfortunate chapter in your country’s history. I thought I had it bad. Then my sister came along.

Not Loved enters.

NOT LOVED: Hi. My name is Not Loved.

JEZREEL: Hey sis.

NOT LOVED: Hey, Jezreel. My name is actually pronounced Lo-Ruhamah, but the kids in school had trouble pronouncing all that. So they called me Not Loved. “Wow, your parents must really hate you!” They told me. “Not Loved! She’s not loved! Hey, who has two thumbs and isn’t loved? That girl! Ha ha ha!” Jezreel had it easy compared to me. But even I had it easy compared to our baby brother.

Not My Kid enters.

NOT MY KID: Hi, my name is… Not My Kid.

JEZREEL/NOT LOVED: Hey, bro.

NOT MY KID: ‘Sup, guys? My full name is Lo-Ammi, but like my sister, the kids preferred to call me by what my name means. Dad was sending a message to Israel. He wanted them to know that he did not love the things they had done. He wanted them to know he had rejected them as his people. I’m sure he and God had good intentions, but it’s pretty rough having a name like Not My Kid! Every day, it was the same thing at after school pick up. “I’m here to get my son. He’s Not My Kid.” Mrs. McKimson was terribly confused.

JEZREEL: Don’t get us wrong. Dad was a really good father. He played with us. He read to us. He took us on hikes. He taught us about God. But we all had a chip on our shoulder because of the names he gave us.

NOT LOVED: Dad told me every night that he loved me. But he named me Not Loved. How am I supposed to deal with that?

NOT MY KID: We all had trouble dealing with our names. It wasn’t easy being living prophecies of doom. We were meant to remind everyone that God’s judgment was coming. Doesn’t make you the most popular kid at the party.

JEZREEL: Then God gave our Dad another message. It was about Mom.

NOT LOVED: Mom wasn’t the good parent Dad was. She definitely wasn’t a good wife. She was unfaithful to Dad almost from the beginning.

NOT MY KID: He knew what kind of person she was before he married her. God told him to marry her, and he listened. He always listened when God spoke.

JEZREEL: It wasn’t a surprise to anyone when Mom left him for other men. But what was a surprise was what Dad did about it.

NOT LOVED: She was put up for sale. Like a slave. Nothing but a piece of property. He bought her, and he brought her home.

NOT MY KID: God had given Dad another message. Yes, Israel had been unfaithful. Yes, he had rejected Israel. But he would not reject Israel forever. God still loved her, and he always would.

JEZREEL: My name is Jezreel. My name reminds people of a terrible thing they did. I have a sister named Not Loved and a brother named Not My Kid. But we have a father who loves us as much as any father ever loved his kids.

NOT LOVED: He loves our Mom, too, and he always will.

NOT MY KID: And as much as he loves us, God loves us more.

JEZREEL: It isn’t easy being the child of a prophet. And it isn’t easy having a rotten name like Jezreel.

NOT LOVED: Or Not Loved.

NOT MY KID: Or Not My Kid.

JEZREEL: But we are forever thankful to be children of God. No matter what happens, we know he will always love us. Just like our dad.

Free Skit – Spread the Seed

Hasn’t happened in a while, but it did today. Heard a new insight in an old Bible story this morning in church, and that insight led to a new monologue.

Spread some seed this week, wherever you are.

Share and enjoy.

Spread the Seed
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Parable of the Sower

CHARACTERS
Millie – A city woman now living on a farm (Monologue)

Millie enters, looking like Eva Gabor from Green Acres.

It was just about a year ago, Harry came home from work with this big, dopey grin on his face. “I did it! “ he says. “I finally did it!”

“You did what?” I ask him.

“I quit my job,” he says. “I sold the apartment. I bought us a farm in Upstate. We move in a month.”

“Are you kidding me?” I say. “You? On a farm? What are you gonna do on a farm?”

He tells me we’re gonna live off the land. We’re gonna raise crops. We’re gonna sell ‘em at the local market, barter for the things we need, and farewell to the things we don’t. Department store credit cards. Valet parking. Reddit. It’s all gotta go.

I says to him, “Harry, valet and Reddit I can do without. But what makes you think you got the green thumb? The only plants we ever had were two plastic palms, and you killed ‘em both!”

Well, there’s no arguing with Harry when he sets his mind to something. A month later, we say goodbye to the city. We move out to a thirty acre farm outside Corning. Day one, he gets up, puts on bib overalls and a straw hat like he’s Old MacDonald. He finds this patch of dirt and starts tossing corn out on the ground.

“How do you know the corn’s gonna grow there?” I ask. “You never farmed a day in your life!”

He tells me, “This is the good soil! It’s gotta grow here!”

I look around and see a patch of weeds growing by an old water pump. I see a gravel pile by the barn, and a driveway leading to the garage.

“Harry,” I says, “I bet you I can grow more seeds in the weeds, the rocks, and the driveway than you can!”

“Ha!” he says. “You can’t sow seed there!” But he humors me. He gives me a fist full of corn. So I drop some in the weeds. I spread some on the gravel. I toss some on the driveway.

Six months later, wouldn’t you know who won the pony? Harry’s corn sprouted all right, but a bunch of rabbits showed up in July and ate them down to the ground. Meanwhile I get two dozen ears from the corn sown in the weeds and four dozen from the gravel. I woulda had a bunch more on the driveway, but that deadbeat dad of his shows up Fourth of July and parks his RV over my crop for the next month.

Just last week, Bentley Mains, our Sunday School teacher in our little country church, was talking about the sower planting seed. He spread some in the rocks, some in the weeds, some on the path, and some in the good soil. “We all gotta be good soil,” he says. “So God can grow in our hearts.”

Judy Finch, our neighbor down in the holler, asks him, “If God wants us to be good soil, why did the sower toss seed in the weeds and the rocks and on the path?”

I smiled and told her, “Because sometimes, they surprise you. Sometimes the seed grows in the weeds. Sometimes it grows in the gravel. Sometimes it grows on the driveway. God wants us to be generous with where we sow, because it might be difficult to grow in the weeds, but it’s not impossible.”

It’s planting season, and Harry’s out there again. He tilled the soil. He fertilized it. He put a fence around it. Maybe he’ll get a good crop out of the good soil this season. I’ve already sown my crop in the weeds, in the rocks, and on the path. Maybe I won’t get lucky again, but I did it to remind myself that we need to sow seed everywhere. Be generous where you sow. Sometimes God will surprise you, and sometimes even the seed sown on the driveway will grow. You just need a little sun, a little prayer, and a couple saw horses to keep your father-in-law from parking on your corn all summer long.

Free Skit – A Wacky Little Devil

Sorry it’s been a while since I posted a freebie. This is a classic, and a reminder what a devious enemy we have.

I’ve also posted a video of the skit on YouTube below the script.

Share and enjoy.

A Wacky Little Devil
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Satan

CHARACTERS
Glen and Mike – Young guys, roommates
Satan- Their “wacky” roommate
Laura – A smart girl

AUTHOR’S NOTE: It’s nothing new that the devil has become a parody in our society. It’s also no secret to those who are in Christ that this is exactly the way he wants it. If there’s nothing (and no one) to fear, then why does a person need Jesus? Satan wins by making himself a joke. We as Christians need to remember – and remind others of – the term Peter used to describe him: the enemy.

A counter is stage right. A desk with a swivel chair is stage left. Satan, in a red suit and horns and tail, sits in the swivel chair, facing upstage. Glen is at the counter with an empty box of cereal, trying to pour some. Mike enters.

GLEN: Mike, how many times do I have to tell you? Don’t eat the last of my cereal and put the empty box back!
MIKE: I didn’t eat your cereal!
GLEN: You didn’t?
MIKE: You know I hate that cereal. It’s disgusting.
GLEN: Well if you didn’t eat it, and I didn’t eat it, who did?

Both guys sigh.

GLEN/MIKE: Satan!

Satan swivels around. He laughs.

SATAN: (doing a Paul Lynde impression) Oh, I am such a devil!

A catching theme song plays.
 
JINGLE: He’s a naughty little devil and that’s a fact.
A little bit silly and kinda wacked.
He’ll make you laugh on a gloomy day
He’s the devil, he’s the devil, and he’s okay!

Song ends.

GLEN: Satan, did you eat my cereal and put the box back?
SATAN: I cannot tell a lie. Oh who am I kidding? I’m the father of lies.
GLEN: You know I need my breakfast in the morning!
SATAN: I’m sorry, Glen. The devil made me do it.
MIKE: You are the devil.
SATAN: I know. Aren’t I a naughty boy?
GLEN: Whatever. I’ll grab a donut on my way in.
SATAN: Have a good day, Glen!
MIKE: Bye.

Glen exits.
 
MIKE: Now, Satan, my new girlfriend is coming by. You promise not to embarrass me?
SATAN: Mike, when have I ever embarrassed you?
MIKE: Well, there was the time you switched my Coke with rum at grandma’s birthday. And the time you got me to date two girls at once and they found out about it. And graduation night.
SATAN: Ohh, did I do that?
MIKE: Look, just promise to be nice, will ya?
SATAN: And if I do, what do I get in return?
MIKE: What do you want?
SATAN: Oh, I dunno… Your eternal soul? (wacky laugh) Ha ha ha ha.

There’s a knock on the door.

MIKE: Okay, fine, have my soul. Just don’t embarrass me.
SATAN: You won’t even know I’m here.

Satan exits. Mike answers the door. Laura enters.

MIKE: Hey, honey.
LAURA: Morning. Looks like someone forgot to shower.
MIKE: I just got back from my run.
LAURA: Mike, this is a nice place.
MIKE: Thanks.
LAURA: Did you decorate this yourself?
MIKE: No, my roommate did.
LAURA: Glen? He decorated this?
MIKE: No, not him. My other roommate.
LAURA: You keep mentioning this other roommate, but you don’t say much about him. Is he here?
MIKE: I think he went out.

There’s a loud crash off stage.

LAURA: What was that?
MIKE: Oh, that must be Glen in the kitchen.
LAURA: That can’t be. I saw Glen on his way downstairs. Looked like he was in a hurry too.

Another loud banging.

LAURA: Is that the third guy?
MIKE: Yeah, I guess it is him.
LAURA: Well can I meet him?
MIKE: Oh, you don’t want to meet him.
LAURA: Yes I do!
MIKE: Really, he’s a bit anti-social. And he smells bad. I mean like sulfur.
LAURA: Come on, it can’t be that bad.

Satan enters with two plates of chocolate cake.

SATAN: Good morning, kids. Anyone care for a Me-Food Cake?
MIKE: Oh no.
LAURA: What kind of cake is it?
SATAN: Me-Food. Oh, excuse me, I believe you would call it Devil’s Food. Ha ha ha ha. (slaps Mike on the arm) Well go on, ya big palooka. Introduce us!
MIKE: Laura, this is my roommate Lucifer.
LAURA: Lucifer?
SATAN: Lucifer. Satan. The Devil. When you get to know me better, you can call me by my old college nickname, Scooter.
LAURA: Your roommate is the devil?
SATAN: (nudging Mike) Only when he forgets to clean the bathroom. Ha ha ha. Just joking. He’s no devil. I am.
LAURA: But… but THE devil?
SATAN: In the third degree burned flesh. (hands a plate of cake to Laura) You want some milk to go with that cake?
LAURA: I, uh…
SATAN: Wait right here.

Satan runs off.

MIKE: Sorry, I wanted to prepare you for–
LAURA: That’s the devil.
MIKE: Yep.
LAURA: Lucifer. Satan. Hades!
MIKE: Yeah, that’s Scooter.
LAURA: Mike, how long have you been living with the devil?
MIKE: I dunno, four years, maybe five?
LAURA: Don’t you know he’s dangerous?
MIKE: You’re kidding, right?
SATAN: (off stage) Hey, who drank all of my Slim Fasts?
MIKE: I’ll admit, he’s a little eccentric. He’s got a morbid sense of humor. (beat) And he’s a filthy liar. But you’ve met the guy. He’s harmless as a kitten.
LAURA: You don’t get it, do you? He makes you think he’s this sweet, cuddly guy, lures you into a false sense of security – and them bam! He hits you when you least expect it.
MIKE: With what, his copy of The Lake House?

Satan enters with a glass of milk.

SATAN: Oh, I know you’re not making fun of my favorite book again.
MIKE: No, never.
SATAN: Here you go, honey.

Laura takes the milk.

LAURA: Thank – oh wow, it’s hot.
SATAN: Again? Darn. That walk from the fridge to hear is just too far. I can’t ever seem to serve anything cold. Remember that ice cream bar at Glen’s birthday?
MIKE: How could I forget? The carpet cleaning cost over three thousand bucks.
SATAN: Lucky for you, Glen had the money to pay for it. Even luckier, he sold me his soul to get the money to pay for it.

Satan exits, giggling.

MIKE: He’s a card, isn’t he?

Laura sets down the cake and glass and grabs Mike’s arm.

LAURA: Mike, you need to get out with me. Now!
MIKE: Laura, this is my place.
LAURA: And you’re in grave danger as long as that thing is around.
SATAN: (off) Hey, who’s been using my Paula Deen cookbook? It didn’t walk off by itself!
MIKE: Yeah, he’s real dangerous.
LAURA: Fine. You stay here and see what happens. I’m leaving.

Laura storms for the door.

MIKE: Come on, Laura. (standing) Laura, wait!

Mike exits after her. Satan enters.

SATAN: I’m gonna fix some salad for lunch. How many should I…

Satan sees everyone is gone. There’s a squeal of tires off stage. Satan rushes to the window and looks out. He then walks to the desk and the phone, and picks up the phone.

SATAN: (drops the Paul Lynde act; very serious, business-like) It’s me. The first one should be down any second. Expect the other one by dinner. You know what to do.

Blackout.

Free Skit: David Had a Bad Boss

Because we’ve all had one. Share and enjoy.

David Had a Bad Boss
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Work

CHARACTERS
David – After he killed the giant, but before he was king
A Servant

David walks on stage and speaks to the audience. He should be close enough to the side of the stage that objects can be thrown at him. Objects can include weapons, tools, office equipment, food, whatever you find convenient and easy to toss.

DAVID: Some times it’s hard to believe that God is in control. Especially at work, right? I was talking to my brother Jimmy the other day. He’s an accountant, and his boss is the meanest guy. Complete and total jerk. Makes Jimmy work Saturdays. Makes Jimmy do a ton of reports that have nothing to do with his job. He even makes Jimmy run out and get his coffee every day. But what can Jimmy do? He’s got a family to support, and he doesn’t want to go back to the family business.

David looks off stage. He sees an object of some kind flying at him. He ducks. Then he casually goes on with his talk.

DAVID: Jimmy chose accounting because he got tired of that life. You see, my Dad’s a shepherd, and all of us were taught to be shepherds. From an early age, we had to learn how to lead sheep, how to feed them, care for them. Even how to fend off wolves. It’s not easy to peg a wolf right between the eyes with a stone at the tender age of five, but guess what?

David looks off. He ducks another flying object.

DAVID: It’s part of the job. But that’s any job, right? There are things you like, and there are things you don’t like. But whatever the job, you’re there for a reason. Doesn’t matter if it’s your first, second, third, or even tenth choice for a career. God has a plan, and that plan has led you…

David ducks another flying object.

DAVID: It’s led you to your own place of employment. Believe me, I never expected I would be where I am. I was happy being a shepherd. It’s hard work, but I had a lot of time to do what I loved – song writing. Then one day, me and my mad sling skills take down a giant, and my whole world gets turned upside down. It’s not like it was a big deal. Like I said, I had to take a wolf down at age five. A giant is a much bigger, much easier target. But all of a sudden, I’m a hero. Now I’m living in the palace, working in the army, and serving the king – which is no walk in the park. Don’t get me wrong, I love the king. He even lets me play the harp for him. But he has this annoying habit–

David ducks another object, then another one.

DAVID: He likes to throw things at me. For no reason whatsoever. I’ll be in the middle of a song and all of a sudden, there’s a spear or a rock or an… an avocado flying at my head. And of course I can’t throw things back. Not only is he my boss, he’s the king. I throw back, I’m not just fired. I’m a dead man!

A servant walks on, walking toward David.

DAVID: No, this is not where I saw my life going. Never in my wildest dreams. But as much as I know I’d be happy, sitting on a hill side, watching sheep, and strumming my harp, I know this is the plan God has for me. God put me here with these people, with that boss for a reason.

David ducks another object. As he ducks, the servant gets nailed and drops straight to the ground. David helps him up.

DAVID: You okay?
SERVANT: Yeah. Thanks, man.

The Servant gets up and walks off.

DAVID: It’s not my plan. It’s God’s plan. And while it’s not what I would have wanted… (thinks, pausing for a moment) I don’t smell like sheep poop any more.

Free Skit: R-Rated Movies

Rated R Movies
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Serving God

CHARACTERS
A Bus Driver (Unseen)
Heather- A Christian woman
Beth and Laura- Christian friends with an axe to grind

The setting is a public bus/train/subway. Heather sits in the middle of a 3-seat bench. A driver’s voice is heard over the speaker as Beth and Laura enter, carrying picked signs. The Driver’s voice is heard on a speaker.
DRIVER: Now stopping on Spring Street. Next stop, Elm Street.
Beth and Laura sit.
BETH: I can’t believe we’re doing this.
LAURA: I can’t believe we have to do this.
BETH: You’re right. We shouldn’t be here.
LAURA: They caused this. It wasn’t us.
BETH: And we have to respond.
LAURA: Yes, we have to respond.
BETH: To think that a studio that brought us quality, family films like Doggy Hero and Kittens on Parade would produce a rated R movie?
LAURA: It makes you sick!
BETH: What were they thinking? People like us count on them to provide quality family films!
LAURA: We see all their movies!
BETH: We see them two or three times, and then we buy the Blu-Ray!
LAURA: George and I have started getting the digital copies.
BETH: See, I don’t like that. I want to have the disc in hand. I mean what if the Internet dies out?
LAURA: Oh, but it’s so nice. You don’t have all those movies stacked up on the tables and the shelves.
BETH: I don’t like the clutter either. But since the studio’s decided to produce smut, I guess there won’t be as much going forward!
LAURA: They can’t do this to us! We are not going to accept this!
BETH: Our kids are not seeing this movie!
LAURA: And neither are we!
BETH: Actually I did.
Laura gasps.
BETH: I had to screen it for the website to let everyone know how smutty it is.
LAURA: You are a true saint.
BETH: And now it’s time to be a crusader.
LAURA: Down with smut!
BETH: Down with rated R movies!
LAURA: The church is taking a stand, and the whole world’s going to know!
Pause. Heather looks at Laura and Beth.
HEATHER: Y’all are Christians?
LAURA: Yes we are.
HEATHER: Me too.
LAURA: You must be headed to the theater, huh?
HEATHER: No, no. This is my stop coming up. I’m helping some folks hand out soup and coats to the homeless.
Long pause. The bus comes to a halt. Heather gets up and exits.
DRIVER: Now stopping on Elm. Next stop, Culbertson.
BETH: Well, not everyone has the courage to stand for Jesus.

Free Script: The RI Curtain Speech

I had someone email me this week asking about this script, so I thought I would re-post it. This is the curtain speech we used for some time when Righteous Insanity had a touring group out on the road. Share and enjoy!

Righteous Insanity’s Curtain Speech

(Feel free to adapt and use this as it suits your needs.)

SPEAKER- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is [insert name here], and on behalf of Righteous Insanity we’d like to welcome you to [insert church name here] and tonight’s production, [insert play name here]. Before we begin tonight’s performance, there are a few things we would like to go over.

(An actor walks out on stage.)

SPEAKER- First of all, there is no smoking in this auditorium. We ask this not only for the sake of our other guests, but for your own safety, as failure to comply with this stipulation may result in your being embarrassed by one of our actors who will respond thus.

(The actor starts choking, over-exaggerated, disgusting sounding choking, pointing to someone accusingly as if they are a smoker.)

ACTOR- Murderer!

(The actor flops over dead; then stands back up as the Speaker continues.)

SPEAKER- Secondly, we ask that there will be no flash photography, as this is not only disruptive to our guests, but it generally provokes another adverse reaction from our actors.

(The speaker flashes a flash cube at the Actor.)

ACTOR- AHHHHHHHH!!! I AM BLIND!!! BLIND!!! THE PHOTO RAYS ARE EATING MY EYES OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!!! IT BURNS!!!

SPEAKER- Ugly, isn’t it? Of course if you think that’s bad, you should see what they do when cell phones and beepers go off, so I’d advise you to put those devices on silent mode as well. Furthermore, we ask that there be no food or drink brought into the auditorium. (The speaker tosses an apple at someone in the audience.) Again, ladies and gentlemen, this is for your safety.

(The Actor wrestles the apple away from the audience member.)

ACTOR- Gimme it!! Me so hungry!!

(The Actor starts eating the apple like a rodent, with more food dropping out of his/her mouth than staying in.)

SPEAKER- I might add that our actors are on a strict diet, and therefore we ask that you do not feed them. Do not attempt to pet the actors either, as they are prone to bite.

(The Actor pauses from his apple to bare his teeth.)

SPEAKER- We ask at this time that you take a moment to familiarize yourself with the emergency exits located in the building.

(The Actor turns into a steward/stewardess, doing the airline safety hand gesture routine as the Speaker continues on.)

SPEAKER- The exits are located [point out the exits]. We’d also ask that you make sure all safety belts are fastened. To fasten the belt, please insert the flat piece into the larger, and adjust the strap. If you need to get up for any reason, pull on the lever, and the strap will come lose. If this theater should become submerged in water, your seat cushion will act as a flotation device. And if the theater should become depressurized, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. To put on the mask, simply pull the hose to it’s full length to start the flow of oxygen, secure the mask around your face with the elastic, and breathe normally. Of course if you’re too scared to breathe normally, you can always scream like a little girl.

(The Actor screams like a little girl to demonstrate.)

SPEAKER- If you have small children, we’d ask that you secure your own mask first and let the little brats fend for themselves. Our performance today will last approximately an hour. If at the end of regulation the play should end in a tie, then we will go into sudden death overtime.

(Gunshot from the rear of the auditorium. The Actor grabs his/her chest, falls dead. Stage hands come out and drag the body off.)

SPEAKER- And now, ladies and gentlemen, Righteous Insanity proudly presents, [insert show name].

Free Skit: Where Is Hope?

Where is Hope?
by John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Ed- a guy paranoid about disease, terrorism, sharks, clones, etc.
Joe- A business man laid off at Christmas
Lisa- A hopelessly single young woman
Paige- A mother whose husband died September 11

(Ed enters in a hazmat suit.)

ED- Oh sure. Go ahead and laugh. Go ahead. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Because in the end, I’ll be alive and you’ll be… not alive. So there! Yeah, I hear the government tell me not to panic. Go about your business as usual. So people go back to work, back to the ball game. Back to the movies, never knowing when they’re going to turn a corner and run right into a… a… a giant… killer… clone… landshark… with anthrax! It could happen! I’ve seen the research on gene manipulation, and we all know it isn’t safe to open the mail any more. Just the other day–

(Joe enters.)

ED & JOE- I got a letter–

JOE- From my dear employer. The place I’ve worked for nearly fifteen years. That’s unheard of in most industries, and near impossible in telecom. But I’ve been there a long time, worked hard to get where I am. And I was proud of the work that I did. In an industry where customer service is usually farmed out, I built a top notch CS group rated number one in the country. The churn rate was one third the industry standard thanks to the hard working people I trained and managed. So naturally, when the boss called me in I was thinking Christmas bonus all the way. Then I opened the envelope.

(Lisa enters, holding her cell phone.)

JOE & LISA- And you know what it said?

LISA- “Lisa, Not sure how to say this so thought I’d write. I think we should see other people. Sorry. Merry Christmas. Ryan.” I was so stunned, I couldn’t even finish my dinner. There I sat, in Red Lobster, with my parents and grandparents, all there to meet the man of my dreams. And the scum bag breaks up with me. No– With my cell phone! He broke up with me in a text message. I should have known something was up–

(Paige enters.)

LISA & PAIGE- –when he didn’t call.

PAIGE- Jim was up and at work in his New York office before the sun shone on our little Seattle home, but it was tradition for him to call and wish the kids a good day before school when he was out of town. The kids were rather disappointed that morning not to hear from him, but it wasn’t the first time. I assured him he was probably caught in a meeting and couldn’t get away. I sent them out the door, poured my morning coffee, and settled in on the couch.

PAIGE & ED- I couldn’t believe what I saw.

ED- Now I not only have to worry about anthrax, sharks, and clones, but these terrorists have nuclear bombs? Who’s selling them the stuff? And if they’re crafty enough to build nukes, what’s to say they won’t do something even more drastic… like bringing back disco.

ED & JOE- Talk about a major shocker!

JOE- And with two weeks before Christmas. I and my entire department, 43 people, were out the door. Two weeks severance, no Christmas bonus. “We’re in a recession,” the lady from HR reminded me. I can’t blame her for what happened. Hers is an even more unpleasant job than customer care. But I wanted someone to hear my complaints. It’s not smart to get rid of such a valuable department. But more than that, it’s not right to fire people at Christmas. For the first time in my professional life–

JOE & LISA- I felt completely alone.

LISA- Truth be told, I expected that night to end with Ryan on one knee, asking me to be his bride. But once again, I would be spending Christmas alone, waking up with only my cats to say Merry Christmas to. Then once I had bathed and unwrapped a gift or two I bought for myself, I’d go to my parents house, and watch my married siblings’ eyes twinkle as their children played with the gifts Santa brought.

LISA & PAIGE- The children…

PAIGE- How was I supposed to tell the children? They would probably already know by the time I reached them. Tears burned my eyes as I drove to the school, the horrid image of the burning buildings where my husband… I couldn’t even complete the thought in my mind. He couldn’t be… I had to keep some semblance of hope. For the kids. For my husband. For my own sanity. But my faith was shattered that morning.

PAIGE & ED- What has happened to our world?

ED- It’s no longer a safe place for a guy to trot down to the 7-11 to buy his weekly comics and a Slurpee. If I so much as see someone with a tan, I hold my breath and make a beeline for the door.

ED & JOE- How can anyone expect me to go on with life as usual?

JOE- Santa’s entire budget was based on that annual Christmas bonus. Now that’s gone, and with only two weeks severance, I’ll be depending on unemployment by–

JOE & LISA- New Year’s Day.

LISA- I don’t even want to think about that holiday right now. Another New Year without a midnight kiss. Every year, I think this is surely going to be the last one I spend alone. But every year, it gets harder to believe that I’ll ever find that special someone.

LISA & PAIGE- I’m so afraid of being alone.

PAIGE- Of having to work all the time, and not being as involved in the lives of my children. And I don’t want to raise them without a father. But we can’t even put Jim to rest. His body has yet to be identified. And until it is, the insurance company won’t give us a dime.

ED- The doctor says my worry is causing ulcers. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about. But in this crazy world, how can I ever relax again?

JOE- No one hires new employees in December. But we’re now officially in a recession. How long will it be before I can find another job?

LISA- People tell me the more I worry about finding love, the less likely it is to come along. People should mind their own business. Or get me a mail order groom.

PAIGE- They say Christmas is a time of hope. But how can I pass hope on to my children when I don’t have any of my own?

ED- My only hope is that I don’t get any anthrax in my stocking.

JOE- I just hope I can find a way to give my kids a Christmas this year.

LISA- I have a really nice men’s watch and a Cleveland Browns sweater. Any takers? Anyone?

PAIGE- Gifts are not a problem. We’ve got a tree surrounded by presents this year. From family, friends, even total strangers. But my kids and I would trade them all just to have Jim back with us.

Free Skit for Father’s Day

A little something I was inspired to write after going to church with my son this morning. Father’s Day has always seemed like more of a skit day than Mother’s Day, so here you go!

Just Like Dad
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Fathers and Sons

CHARACTERS
Dad
Sam
A stage hand

Dad and Sam enter.
DAD: I love Star Wars!
SAM: I love Star Wars!
DAD: Star Wars is awesome!
SAM: Star Wars is awesome!
DAD: Do you know which move I love best?
SAM: All of them!
DAD: You’re darn right all of them!
SAM: Star Wars is the best!
DAD: Star Wars is the best!
A stage hand walks on and hands Dad a bag with two cheeseburgers inside.
DAD: I love burgers!
SAM: I love burgers!
DAD: I love cheeseburgers.
SAM: Cheeeeeeeseburgers!
Dad hands Sam a cheeseburger.
DAD: Cheeseburgers are the best!
SAM: The best!
They both take a bite.
DAD: Pickles? I hate pickles!
SAM: Pickles, yuck!
They pull the pickles out of their sandwiches and throw them on the stage. They look at each other.
DAD/SAM: Don’t tell Mom!
The stage hand brings out two chairs, setting them one in front of the other but offset. The stage hand takes the burgers away. Dad and Sam mime getting into a car. Dad starts the car.
DAD: I love the radio.
SAM: I love to rock!
DAD: I love Guns N Roses.
SAM: I love this song!
DAD: (sings) Take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
SAM: (sings) Oh won’t you please take me home!
Dad pretends to honk the horn.
DAD: (angry) Hey, watch where you’re going, jerk! You wanna get is all killed? Where did you learn to drive? What is wrong with you people? Can’t you read a stop sign? I hate people like you! I hate you all!
SAM: I hate you all! I hate you all!
Dad’s eyes widen. He realizes what he’s said.
SAM: You’re nothing but a bunch of jerks! And, and, and… booger heads!
DAD: No, they’re not.
SAM: They’re not booger heads?
DAD: I’m the booger head.
SAM: No you’re not. They’re the—
DAD: Sam, I’m sorry. That’s not how we should talk to others.
SAM: It’s not?
DAD: Jesus loves them.
SAM: Jesus loves them.
DAD: He loves everyone, even when they mess up.
SAM: He loves everyone. Even you, Dad.
DAD: Jesus loves you.
SAM: Jesus loves you.
DAD: Jesus loves everybody.
SAM: Jesus loves everybody.
DAD: We need to love them like Jesus.
SAM: Love them like Jesus!
Dad starts driving again.
SAM: Dad, Jesus loves Guns N Roses, right?
DAD: Yes, I’m sure he does.
SAM: Jesus loves everybody!
DAD: I love you, buddy.
SAM: I love you too!