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Free Skit: The Pearl

The Pearl
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com 

THEME: Heaven

CHARACTERS
Ted – A speaker in church
Phil – A guy with too much money
Mildred – Phil’s daughter

Ted enters. He holds up a small plastic pearl.

TED: The kingdom of Heaven is like a pearl of priceless value. When a man saw it for sale, he ran, and sold everything he had. He took every dime he had saved and all he earned from selling his many—

Phil runs on stage.

PHIL: Excuse me, fella? Sorry to interrupt you. Is that the pearl of priceless value?

TED: Well, I was just telling the people that—

PHIL: How much you want for it?

TED: What?

PHIL: I know it’s priceless, but you have to want something for it, right?

TED: Sir, I don’t think you understand—

PHIL: Son, I don’t think you understand. I’ve been looking my whole life for this pearl! I have to have it!

TED: But really, sir, this pearl is—

PHIL: A million dollars!

TED: What?

PHIL: A million not enough? Okay, five million!

TED: Five million dollars? For this?

PHIL: Playing hardball, huh? Okay, fine. Fifty million!

TED: Fifty million dollars??

PHIL: I have to have the pearl!

TED: Sir, please, if you’ll let me finish what I was saying…

PHIL: You know what? Here. I’m giving you my checkbook. There’s 1.2 billion dollars in my savings. It’s all yours. Do you understand? Every dime I have is yours!

TED: That’s insane!

PHIL: Still not enough for you? Okay! Here’s the deed to my house. It’s the big one in the back of Millionaire Estates.

TED: You’re giving me a million dollar home?

PHIL: It’s actually 9.2 million, but who’s counting at this point?

TED: Sir, that’s very generous, but I—

PHIL: Here’s the key to my car! And my other car! And the other. That’s a Ferrari, a Rolls Royce, and a Datsun 280Z.

TED: A Datsun?

PHIL: It’s sentimental, but if giving up that Z car will get me that pearl—

TED: I don’t want your Z car!

PHIL: You want the jet? Of course! Take the jet! And the yacht! And my daughter Mildred!

TED: Your daughter too???

PHIL: Look, I’ll level with you. She has a badly deviated septum, and she snores like a freight train, but she’s a scratch golfer, and man, can she bowl!

TED: Sir, I don’t want any of these things!

PHIL: Then what do you want? I’ve given you everything but the shirt off my back!

TED: Oh no!

PHIL: Oh yes! Here! Take my shirt! My keys! The checkbook! Mildred! It’s all yours! Now please, give me the pearl!

TED: Okay, okay! Here!

Phil and Ted exchange all of Phil’s stuff for the pearl.

PHIL: At last, it’s mine! All mine!

Phil runs off stage. Ted goes on, still puzzled.

TED: So as I was saying, the kingdom of Heaven is like… that pearl. When a man saw the pearl, he sold everything he had. Just so he could have it.

Mildred enters.

TED: You must be Mildred.

MILDRED: Yep.

TED: Wanna go bowling?

MILDRED: Sure, okay.

They exit.

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Free Skit: Looking in the Wrong Place

Looking in the Wrong Place
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

THEME: Easter

CHARACTERS
Ken- A 36 year old man-child
Joe- Ken’s dad

Joe is sitting in his favorite chair reading the newspaper. A Bible is on the floor nearby. Ken enters with an empty Easter basket.
KEN: Daaaaaaaad!
JOE: Yessssss?
KEN: I have a problem!
JOE: What is it, son?
KEN: There’s no Easter eggs!
JOE: What?
KEN: There’s no Easter eggs, Dad!
JOE: Of course there are Easter eggs. It’s Easter!
KEN: Well where are they?
JOE: I don’t know, Ken! You have to hunt for them!
KEN: I’ve been hunting, Dad! I’ve looked everywhere!
JOE: Obviously not, if you haven’t found any!
KEN: I’ve searched the basement, the laundry room, the dining room, the kitchen. I even searched in the coat closet. There are no Easter eggs!
JOE: Did you look in the backyard?
KEN: Why would I look in the backyard?
JOE: Because that’s where the bunny hides the eggs, son! He doesn’t hide them in the basement, the laundry room, the dining room, or the kitchen!
KEN: What about the coat closet?
JOE: They’re not in the coat closet, Ken! They’re in the yard! Take your basket, go outside, and you’ll find the eggs!
KEN: All right, all right, I’ll go outside already!
JOE: Good. Then after you do that, get a job.
KEN: What??
JOE: Son, you’re 36 years old. It’s time you get a job!
KEN: But Dad, I’ve been looking everywhere for a job! I can’t find one.
JOE: Where’ve you been looking?
KEN: Mad Magazine, Spider-Man comics, Field and Stream!
JOE: You’ll never find a job in Mad Magazine or Spider-Man comics!
KEN: What about Field and Stream?
JOE: You can’t find a job in Field and Stream! You find them in the newspapers!
KEN: But I don’t have a newspaper, Dad!
Joe hands Ken his newspaper.
JOE: Get a job, son.
KEN: Fine!
Ken starts to exit.
JOE: Happy Easter!
KEN: Yeah yeah!
Ken exits. Joe picks up the Bible and opens it.
JOE: “Why are you looking for the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen.” Hmm. (looks up at the audience) Where are you looking for Jesus?