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Free Skit – “If It Feels Good”

We got in trouble with this skit once. I think the skit speaks for itself without coming out and saying what the message is, but apparently there are some people out there who would prefer that you come out and teach a lesson during or after a skit rather than having to read between the lines.

I have a feeling those people would have hated Jesus’s sermons.

Here’s one of my all-time favorites, and a favorite of the touring company. And no, I’m not going to come out and say what it means here either.

Share and enjoy.

If It Feels Good
By John Cosper

THEME: Relativism and morality

Simon- A new age thinker
Lenny- A passer-by
Chuck- A cop

(Simon is on stage, holding a sign that says, “If it feels good, do it.” Lenny enters, reads the sign.)

LENNY- Hi there.
LENNY- What’s this, a political protest?
SIMON- Kind of. More of a moral protest.
LENNY- I see. What does it mean?
SIMON- I’m protesting the notion that there’s an absolute set of morals that determine
what’s right and wrong for everyone.
LENNY- Sorry, you lost me. Care to explain in English?
SIMON- Well, see, just because of the Bible and the silly 10 commandments, people
think there’s only one set of morals for all of us to follow. But you can’t expect everyone to live by the same set of morals, can you?
LENNY- I don’t know, can you?
SIMON- Of course not. I believe each individual has the right to make up his own mind
what’s right and wrong, and to stick by those values.
LENNY- In other words, if it feels good, do it.
SIMON- Exactly.
LENNY- I see.

(Pause, then Lenny punches Simon in the face.)

SIMON- OWW… what was that for?
LENNY- Just following your advice. You know back in school one day I asked a bully
why he was beating my face in, and he said it felt good and you know what? (punches Simon again) He was right!
SIMON- Oh, my face?
LENNY- I wonder if it feels as good in the (punches Simon in the–) stomach! And a (karate chops Simon on the back, who falls) chop to the back!
SIMON- Ohhhhhh!!!
LENNY- And a few kicks to the gut!!

(Lenny kicks Simon several times.)

LENNY- Wait right there. I want to try something else.

(Lenny runs off.)

SIMON- What are you doing? (sees Lenny off) Oh no.. no!!

(Lenny runs on with a folded metal chair and begins to beat Simon on the back as Simon howls.)

LENNY- Always thought that looked like fun on wrestling.
SIMON- Stop hurting me!!
LENNY- What?
SIMON- Stop hurting me!!
LENNY- Why should I?
SIMON- Because it’s wrong, you moron!
LENNY- Are you judging me? Are you persecuting me for my values?
SIMON- No, I… I just don’t want you to hurt me any more.
LENNY- But it (kick) feels (kick) so (kick) good!

(Chuck enters.)

CHUCK- Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on here?
SIMON- Oh… thank goodness you’re here. This guy’s beating me up for no reason.
CHUCK- Is that a fact?
LENNY- No, sir, officer. I’m simply acting on my moral convictions. I believe if it feels
good, you should do it.
CHUCK- And beating this guy up feels good?
LENNY- Oh yes, sir.
CHUCK- Who taught you that stupid philosophy?

(Lenny points at Simon.)

CHUCK- I see.
SIMON- What are you waiting for? Arrest him!
CHUCK- I can’t do that, sir. He’s got a constitutional right to freedom of religion.
SIMON- What? You must be mad.
CHUCK- Hey, don’t take that attitude. Look at the bright side. (pulls out his billy club) You made two converts tonight.
SIMON- Oh no, not you!

(Chuck beats Simon with the club. Lenny kicks Simon. Simon howls in pain.)

CHUCK- Hey, you were right, man. This does feel good.
LENNY- You know what would feel really good? Tossing him off a bridge.

(They look at Simon with evil grins.)

SIMON- Oh no.
CHUCK- Let’s do it!

(They pick up Simon and carry him off.)

SIMON- Wait!!! I changed my mind!! Let me go! I can’t swim!

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Free Skit – A Wacky Little Devil

Sorry it’s been a while since I posted a freebie. This is a classic, and a reminder what a devious enemy we have.

I’ve also posted a video of the skit on YouTube below the script.

Share and enjoy.

A Wacky Little Devil
By John Cosper

THEME: Satan

Glen and Mike – Young guys, roommates
Satan- Their “wacky” roommate
Laura – A smart girl

AUTHOR’S NOTE: It’s nothing new that the devil has become a parody in our society. It’s also no secret to those who are in Christ that this is exactly the way he wants it. If there’s nothing (and no one) to fear, then why does a person need Jesus? Satan wins by making himself a joke. We as Christians need to remember – and remind others of – the term Peter used to describe him: the enemy.

A counter is stage right. A desk with a swivel chair is stage left. Satan, in a red suit and horns and tail, sits in the swivel chair, facing upstage. Glen is at the counter with an empty box of cereal, trying to pour some. Mike enters.

GLEN: Mike, how many times do I have to tell you? Don’t eat the last of my cereal and put the empty box back!
MIKE: I didn’t eat your cereal!
GLEN: You didn’t?
MIKE: You know I hate that cereal. It’s disgusting.
GLEN: Well if you didn’t eat it, and I didn’t eat it, who did?

Both guys sigh.


Satan swivels around. He laughs.

SATAN: (doing a Paul Lynde impression) Oh, I am such a devil!

A catching theme song plays.
JINGLE: He’s a naughty little devil and that’s a fact.
A little bit silly and kinda wacked.
He’ll make you laugh on a gloomy day
He’s the devil, he’s the devil, and he’s okay!

Song ends.

GLEN: Satan, did you eat my cereal and put the box back?
SATAN: I cannot tell a lie. Oh who am I kidding? I’m the father of lies.
GLEN: You know I need my breakfast in the morning!
SATAN: I’m sorry, Glen. The devil made me do it.
MIKE: You are the devil.
SATAN: I know. Aren’t I a naughty boy?
GLEN: Whatever. I’ll grab a donut on my way in.
SATAN: Have a good day, Glen!
MIKE: Bye.

Glen exits.
MIKE: Now, Satan, my new girlfriend is coming by. You promise not to embarrass me?
SATAN: Mike, when have I ever embarrassed you?
MIKE: Well, there was the time you switched my Coke with rum at grandma’s birthday. And the time you got me to date two girls at once and they found out about it. And graduation night.
SATAN: Ohh, did I do that?
MIKE: Look, just promise to be nice, will ya?
SATAN: And if I do, what do I get in return?
MIKE: What do you want?
SATAN: Oh, I dunno… Your eternal soul? (wacky laugh) Ha ha ha ha.

There’s a knock on the door.

MIKE: Okay, fine, have my soul. Just don’t embarrass me.
SATAN: You won’t even know I’m here.

Satan exits. Mike answers the door. Laura enters.

MIKE: Hey, honey.
LAURA: Morning. Looks like someone forgot to shower.
MIKE: I just got back from my run.
LAURA: Mike, this is a nice place.
MIKE: Thanks.
LAURA: Did you decorate this yourself?
MIKE: No, my roommate did.
LAURA: Glen? He decorated this?
MIKE: No, not him. My other roommate.
LAURA: You keep mentioning this other roommate, but you don’t say much about him. Is he here?
MIKE: I think he went out.

There’s a loud crash off stage.

LAURA: What was that?
MIKE: Oh, that must be Glen in the kitchen.
LAURA: That can’t be. I saw Glen on his way downstairs. Looked like he was in a hurry too.

Another loud banging.

LAURA: Is that the third guy?
MIKE: Yeah, I guess it is him.
LAURA: Well can I meet him?
MIKE: Oh, you don’t want to meet him.
LAURA: Yes I do!
MIKE: Really, he’s a bit anti-social. And he smells bad. I mean like sulfur.
LAURA: Come on, it can’t be that bad.

Satan enters with two plates of chocolate cake.

SATAN: Good morning, kids. Anyone care for a Me-Food Cake?
MIKE: Oh no.
LAURA: What kind of cake is it?
SATAN: Me-Food. Oh, excuse me, I believe you would call it Devil’s Food. Ha ha ha ha. (slaps Mike on the arm) Well go on, ya big palooka. Introduce us!
MIKE: Laura, this is my roommate Lucifer.
LAURA: Lucifer?
SATAN: Lucifer. Satan. The Devil. When you get to know me better, you can call me by my old college nickname, Scooter.
LAURA: Your roommate is the devil?
SATAN: (nudging Mike) Only when he forgets to clean the bathroom. Ha ha ha. Just joking. He’s no devil. I am.
LAURA: But… but THE devil?
SATAN: In the third degree burned flesh. (hands a plate of cake to Laura) You want some milk to go with that cake?
LAURA: I, uh…
SATAN: Wait right here.

Satan runs off.

MIKE: Sorry, I wanted to prepare you for–
LAURA: That’s the devil.
MIKE: Yep.
LAURA: Lucifer. Satan. Hades!
MIKE: Yeah, that’s Scooter.
LAURA: Mike, how long have you been living with the devil?
MIKE: I dunno, four years, maybe five?
LAURA: Don’t you know he’s dangerous?
MIKE: You’re kidding, right?
SATAN: (off stage) Hey, who drank all of my Slim Fasts?
MIKE: I’ll admit, he’s a little eccentric. He’s got a morbid sense of humor. (beat) And he’s a filthy liar. But you’ve met the guy. He’s harmless as a kitten.
LAURA: You don’t get it, do you? He makes you think he’s this sweet, cuddly guy, lures you into a false sense of security – and them bam! He hits you when you least expect it.
MIKE: With what, his copy of The Lake House?

Satan enters with a glass of milk.

SATAN: Oh, I know you’re not making fun of my favorite book again.
MIKE: No, never.
SATAN: Here you go, honey.

Laura takes the milk.

LAURA: Thank – oh wow, it’s hot.
SATAN: Again? Darn. That walk from the fridge to hear is just too far. I can’t ever seem to serve anything cold. Remember that ice cream bar at Glen’s birthday?
MIKE: How could I forget? The carpet cleaning cost over three thousand bucks.
SATAN: Lucky for you, Glen had the money to pay for it. Even luckier, he sold me his soul to get the money to pay for it.

Satan exits, giggling.

MIKE: He’s a card, isn’t he?

Laura sets down the cake and glass and grabs Mike’s arm.

LAURA: Mike, you need to get out with me. Now!
MIKE: Laura, this is my place.
LAURA: And you’re in grave danger as long as that thing is around.
SATAN: (off) Hey, who’s been using my Paula Deen cookbook? It didn’t walk off by itself!
MIKE: Yeah, he’s real dangerous.
LAURA: Fine. You stay here and see what happens. I’m leaving.

Laura storms for the door.

MIKE: Come on, Laura. (standing) Laura, wait!

Mike exits after her. Satan enters.

SATAN: I’m gonna fix some salad for lunch. How many should I…

Satan sees everyone is gone. There’s a squeal of tires off stage. Satan rushes to the window and looks out. He then walks to the desk and the phone, and picks up the phone.

SATAN: (drops the Paul Lynde act; very serious, business-like) It’s me. The first one should be down any second. Expect the other one by dinner. You know what to do.


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Free Skit: A Stupid Acorn

An old favorite of mine is the free skit this week. Share and enjoy!

By John Cosper

THEME: Dying to yourself

An Ant
An Acorn
A Squirrel

[COSTUME NOTE: This can be done very simply by having each character wearing a T-shirt that identifies them as “Ant”, “Acorn”, and “Squirrel.” The Acorn should also wear a beret to signify his “cap.” Of course if you have the budget and want to make real ant, acorn, and squirrel costumes, go for it.]

(The Ant leads the Acorn on stage. The Acorn is covering his eyes.)

ANT- Okay, buddy, open your eyes.
ACORN- (looks) Uh huh. So what’s the big deal, Ant? You promise me some great big surprise, a destiny that could be mine, and all I see are some roots sticking out of the ground.
ANT- Look up, dummy.
ACORN- (looks up the tree) Whoa! That’s… that’s just huge!
ANT- What did I tell you?
ACORN- Wow! That must have taken… well, a million years or so.
ANT- A hundred and twenty and counting.
ACORN- That’s incredible. What do you call this?
ANT- It’s called… a Tree!
ACORN- Wow! Pretty name for it. Tree. Look, it’s got brown stuff.
ANT- That’s called bark.
ACORN- And twisting things hanging off it.
ANT- Those are branches.
ACORN- And pretty green floppy things.
ANT- Those are leaves.
ACORN- And it goes all the way from the roots up to the sky?
ANT- And down quite a way too. Those roots run pretty deep.
ACORN- Man, that is something. Okay, so you said all this could be me some day?
ANT- I surely did.
ACORN- Tell me. Tell me.
ANT- It’s very simple. You gotta find yourself a nice, fertile plot of ground.
ACORN- Fertile ground. Okay.
ANT- Then you crawl in it.
ACORN- Uh, crawl in?
ANT- And bury yourself.
ACORN- What? Oh no, I don’t think that’s possible.
ANT- What? Why not?
ACORN- Look, I may just be a silly little acorn, but I’m nobody’s fool. Dig a hole and bury myself? Huh uh. No way. Got a touch of claustrophobia, not to mention this terrible fear of DYING.
ANT- That’s the way it goes, pal. Unless you fall into the ground and die, you’ll never grow into a giant oak tree. Just look at what awaits you!
ACORN- I don’t know. Thing is I have a pretty good life these days as an acorn. I’m little and cute and I’ve got this sweet little cap on top. Kinda looks like a beret. Makes me feel French, you know?
ANT- Forget the beret! You could be so much more! A tall, beautiful tree reaching to the sky.
ACORN- Yeah, and didn’t you say it took this guy like a hundred years to get there? I don’t think I have the patience for that.
ANT- But this is what you were created for! You weren’t meant to be a stupid acorn with a beret. You were made to grow into a giant tree!
ACORN- Hey, it’s my life, my choice, right? And if I wanna live as an acorn, nothing you can do to change that.
ANT- Fine, whatever. You wanna stay an acorn? Stay an acorn. But mark my words: you’re gonna die one day. Do you want to die later as a rotting acorn, or die now and be all you can be?
ACORN- “Be all you can be”? What are you, and army ant? Hit the bricks, pal. I know what I’m doing.
ANT- All right. Take it easy, Mr. Underachiever.

(The Ant leaves.)

ACORN- Underachiever indeed. Heh!

(The Squirrel enters.)

ACORN- Gosh, that is a beautiful tree. Could that really be me some day?
SQUIRREL- Hey there, Acorn. What’s happening?
ACORN- Oh hey. Just checking out this tree.
SQUIRREL- Wow, that’s a big tree.
ACORN- Yeah. Friend of mine was telling me I could grow into one if I wanted to. But I’m pretty happy just being an acorn.
ACORN- I mean the tree’s cool, sure, but who doesn’t love a cute little acorn?
SQUIRREL- I know I do.
ACORN- See? That’s what I’m talking about.
SQUIRREL- In fact, I was just out looking for acorns.
ACORN- Really?
SQUIRREL- Yeah, yeah. In fact, I, uh, I have a winter home for acorns.
ACORN- Is that so?
SQUIRREL- Sure. You wanna come over for dinner?
ACORN- I’d love to.

(The Squirrel puts his arm around the Acorn. They start to leave.)

ACORN- So what’s for dinner?
SQUIRREL- (laughs) Funny you should ask that question.

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Free Script: The RI Curtain Speech

I had someone email me this week asking about this script, so I thought I would re-post it. This is the curtain speech we used for some time when Righteous Insanity had a touring group out on the road. Share and enjoy!

Righteous Insanity’s Curtain Speech

(Feel free to adapt and use this as it suits your needs.)

SPEAKER- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is [insert name here], and on behalf of Righteous Insanity we’d like to welcome you to [insert church name here] and tonight’s production, [insert play name here]. Before we begin tonight’s performance, there are a few things we would like to go over.

(An actor walks out on stage.)

SPEAKER- First of all, there is no smoking in this auditorium. We ask this not only for the sake of our other guests, but for your own safety, as failure to comply with this stipulation may result in your being embarrassed by one of our actors who will respond thus.

(The actor starts choking, over-exaggerated, disgusting sounding choking, pointing to someone accusingly as if they are a smoker.)

ACTOR- Murderer!

(The actor flops over dead; then stands back up as the Speaker continues.)

SPEAKER- Secondly, we ask that there will be no flash photography, as this is not only disruptive to our guests, but it generally provokes another adverse reaction from our actors.

(The speaker flashes a flash cube at the Actor.)


SPEAKER- Ugly, isn’t it? Of course if you think that’s bad, you should see what they do when cell phones and beepers go off, so I’d advise you to put those devices on silent mode as well. Furthermore, we ask that there be no food or drink brought into the auditorium. (The speaker tosses an apple at someone in the audience.) Again, ladies and gentlemen, this is for your safety.

(The Actor wrestles the apple away from the audience member.)

ACTOR- Gimme it!! Me so hungry!!

(The Actor starts eating the apple like a rodent, with more food dropping out of his/her mouth than staying in.)

SPEAKER- I might add that our actors are on a strict diet, and therefore we ask that you do not feed them. Do not attempt to pet the actors either, as they are prone to bite.

(The Actor pauses from his apple to bare his teeth.)

SPEAKER- We ask at this time that you take a moment to familiarize yourself with the emergency exits located in the building.

(The Actor turns into a steward/stewardess, doing the airline safety hand gesture routine as the Speaker continues on.)

SPEAKER- The exits are located [point out the exits]. We’d also ask that you make sure all safety belts are fastened. To fasten the belt, please insert the flat piece into the larger, and adjust the strap. If you need to get up for any reason, pull on the lever, and the strap will come lose. If this theater should become submerged in water, your seat cushion will act as a flotation device. And if the theater should become depressurized, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. To put on the mask, simply pull the hose to it’s full length to start the flow of oxygen, secure the mask around your face with the elastic, and breathe normally. Of course if you’re too scared to breathe normally, you can always scream like a little girl.

(The Actor screams like a little girl to demonstrate.)

SPEAKER- If you have small children, we’d ask that you secure your own mask first and let the little brats fend for themselves. Our performance today will last approximately an hour. If at the end of regulation the play should end in a tie, then we will go into sudden death overtime.

(Gunshot from the rear of the auditorium. The Actor grabs his/her chest, falls dead. Stage hands come out and drag the body off.)

SPEAKER- And now, ladies and gentlemen, Righteous Insanity proudly presents, [insert show name].

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Free Skit – An Annoying Little Sin

Years ago I submitted this to a sketch writing contest. One judge loved it, gave it a nearly perfect score. Another judge hated it. Put it down by saying, “This isn’t a sketch! It’s a skit.”

Yeah, I didn’t know there was a difference either.

Regardless of his generous praise, this is probably the most popular SKIT I ever wrote. There are a few different versions available to watch on Youtube. And this spring, it’s twenty years old. Where does the time go?

An Annoying Little Sin
by John Cosper

THEME: Sin, Temptation, Deliverance

Guy delivering monologue (can be a female)

(The Guy walks on stage. There is a table with a book labeled “SIN” on the table.)

GUY- Have you ever had an annoying little sin that just wouldn’t go away? You know, that little piece of temptation you never could seem to let go of? Nothing big or terrible like murder. Just one small guilty obsession you never could seem to shake. It’s kind of like smoking: it’s bad for you, you know it’s bad for you, yet every time you say you’re going to quit, you’re drawn back to it like maggots on a deer carcass…or something like that. (Picks up book.) It’s kind of like having a big book that you use to whack yourself in the head. (He hits himself in the head.) Ow! Then you do it again, (hit) and again, (hit) and again, (hit) and again! (hit- he staggers backwards, disoriented) Man, that hurts! Then when you think you’ve been hit one too many times, you (hit) do it again! (hit) And again, (hit) and again, (hit) and (hit) again! Owww! That hurts so bad! But no matter how much it hurts, you do it (hit) again. You start to get depressed and feel like a pathetic loser because you can’t stop yourself. That’s when you call on Jesus!

(Jesus runs on stage and stands beside the Guy.)

GUY- And soon as you can say his name, bam! He’s there right beside you. So you fall on your knees, (he bows down) and you say, “Jesus, I’m a screw up. I’ve got this little sin that’s driving me crazy and I can’t take it anymore. Will you please forgive me?”
JESUS- Of course I will! Go and sin no more!
GUY- (jumping around, shouting and dancing) Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I’ve been for-giv-en! Yeeesss!! And you feel better than you’ve ever felt before. It’s like you’re Superman and your feet don’t even touch the ground! You are saved! You are forgiven! You are…

(He sees the book and freezes.)

GUY- Tempted! Oh, boy, are you tempted. It isn’t too long before the excitement wears off, (he picks the book up) and there you are, face to face with the same old sin. (He slowly brings the book closer to him.) That same little sin that you just wanna try just one more time. (He holds the book away from him.) No!!! You can’t do it again! Jesus said go and sin no more! You can’t do it! Christians aren’t supposed to sin. Christians don’t sin! (hit) Aaah!! I did it again!

(He drops the book and bows in front of Jesus.)

GUY- I didn’t want to do it! It was an accident! A fluke! A moment of weakness! It’ll never happen again, I promise! Please forgive me?
JESUS- (smiles) Okay.
GUY- (jumps to his feet) And you’re back on your feet, never to mess up again! So you screwed up once. Who cares? It’s not like you’re gonna rush right out and do it again!

(The Guy laughs, looks at the book, grabs it quickly and hits himself again.)

GUY- Aww, man! I did it again! (to Jesus) Look, I know this seems pretty bad, but I really want to be good, so will you please forgive me, just one more time?
GUY- All right! I’ve got one more chance! This time, no mistakes! I’m gonna have will power! I’m gonna be strong! (looks at the book) Oh, gee. (looks away) Gotta be strong. Gotta be strong. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even think about that itty bitty little sin calling to you. The jolly…candy-like sin.

(His fingers “walk” across the table until they touch the book. He glances at it out of the corner of his eye.)

GUY- (points off) Hey, look, there goes Billy Graham!

(Jesus looks. The Guy begins hitting himself repeatedly with the book. Jesus sees him and walks behind him and looks over his shoulder. The Guy freezes.)

GUY- Oh, nelly! Now, you’re in big trouble. You’ve given your heart to God. You’ve committed yourself to a life without sin. And what do you get? You’re no better off than you were before. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to get rid of that annoying little sin. That’s when you notice something about that sin. You looks at that little sin, then you look at Jesus. You hold that little sin up next to Jesus, (he holds the book out beside Jesus) and you realize Jesus is a lot bigger than your little sin. (feel Jesus’ muscle) And a whole lot tougher than that puny little sin. Then you realize you don’t have to get rid of that sin by yourself. Jesus can do it for you. After all, he gave up his life to pay for your sins. So when you give him your life, he wants all of it, (hands the book to Jesus) including that annoying little sin. And once you hand it over to Jesus…

(Jesus rips the book and tosses it.)

GUY- It’s gone forever!

(The Guy hugs Jesus, and they exit.)

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Free Skit: The Pearl

The Pearl
By John Cosper 

THEME: Heaven

Ted – A speaker in church
Phil – A guy with too much money
Mildred – Phil’s daughter

Ted enters. He holds up a small plastic pearl.

TED: The kingdom of Heaven is like a pearl of priceless value. When a man saw it for sale, he ran, and sold everything he had. He took every dime he had saved and all he earned from selling his many—

Phil runs on stage.

PHIL: Excuse me, fella? Sorry to interrupt you. Is that the pearl of priceless value?

TED: Well, I was just telling the people that—

PHIL: How much you want for it?

TED: What?

PHIL: I know it’s priceless, but you have to want something for it, right?

TED: Sir, I don’t think you understand—

PHIL: Son, I don’t think you understand. I’ve been looking my whole life for this pearl! I have to have it!

TED: But really, sir, this pearl is—

PHIL: A million dollars!

TED: What?

PHIL: A million not enough? Okay, five million!

TED: Five million dollars? For this?

PHIL: Playing hardball, huh? Okay, fine. Fifty million!

TED: Fifty million dollars??

PHIL: I have to have the pearl!

TED: Sir, please, if you’ll let me finish what I was saying…

PHIL: You know what? Here. I’m giving you my checkbook. There’s 1.2 billion dollars in my savings. It’s all yours. Do you understand? Every dime I have is yours!

TED: That’s insane!

PHIL: Still not enough for you? Okay! Here’s the deed to my house. It’s the big one in the back of Millionaire Estates.

TED: You’re giving me a million dollar home?

PHIL: It’s actually 9.2 million, but who’s counting at this point?

TED: Sir, that’s very generous, but I—

PHIL: Here’s the key to my car! And my other car! And the other. That’s a Ferrari, a Rolls Royce, and a Datsun 280Z.

TED: A Datsun?

PHIL: It’s sentimental, but if giving up that Z car will get me that pearl—

TED: I don’t want your Z car!

PHIL: You want the jet? Of course! Take the jet! And the yacht! And my daughter Mildred!

TED: Your daughter too???

PHIL: Look, I’ll level with you. She has a badly deviated septum, and she snores like a freight train, but she’s a scratch golfer, and man, can she bowl!

TED: Sir, I don’t want any of these things!

PHIL: Then what do you want? I’ve given you everything but the shirt off my back!

TED: Oh no!

PHIL: Oh yes! Here! Take my shirt! My keys! The checkbook! Mildred! It’s all yours! Now please, give me the pearl!

TED: Okay, okay! Here!

Phil and Ted exchange all of Phil’s stuff for the pearl.

PHIL: At last, it’s mine! All mine!

Phil runs off stage. Ted goes on, still puzzled.

TED: So as I was saying, the kingdom of Heaven is like… that pearl. When a man saw the pearl, he sold everything he had. Just so he could have it.

Mildred enters.

TED: You must be Mildred.


TED: Wanna go bowling?

MILDRED: Sure, okay.

They exit.

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Free Skit: Looking in the Wrong Place

Looking in the Wrong Place
By John Cosper

THEME: Easter

Ken- A 36 year old man-child
Joe- Ken’s dad

Joe is sitting in his favorite chair reading the newspaper. A Bible is on the floor nearby. Ken enters with an empty Easter basket.
KEN: Daaaaaaaad!
JOE: Yessssss?
KEN: I have a problem!
JOE: What is it, son?
KEN: There’s no Easter eggs!
JOE: What?
KEN: There’s no Easter eggs, Dad!
JOE: Of course there are Easter eggs. It’s Easter!
KEN: Well where are they?
JOE: I don’t know, Ken! You have to hunt for them!
KEN: I’ve been hunting, Dad! I’ve looked everywhere!
JOE: Obviously not, if you haven’t found any!
KEN: I’ve searched the basement, the laundry room, the dining room, the kitchen. I even searched in the coat closet. There are no Easter eggs!
JOE: Did you look in the backyard?
KEN: Why would I look in the backyard?
JOE: Because that’s where the bunny hides the eggs, son! He doesn’t hide them in the basement, the laundry room, the dining room, or the kitchen!
KEN: What about the coat closet?
JOE: They’re not in the coat closet, Ken! They’re in the yard! Take your basket, go outside, and you’ll find the eggs!
KEN: All right, all right, I’ll go outside already!
JOE: Good. Then after you do that, get a job.
KEN: What??
JOE: Son, you’re 36 years old. It’s time you get a job!
KEN: But Dad, I’ve been looking everywhere for a job! I can’t find one.
JOE: Where’ve you been looking?
KEN: Mad Magazine, Spider-Man comics, Field and Stream!
JOE: You’ll never find a job in Mad Magazine or Spider-Man comics!
KEN: What about Field and Stream?
JOE: You can’t find a job in Field and Stream! You find them in the newspapers!
KEN: But I don’t have a newspaper, Dad!
Joe hands Ken his newspaper.
JOE: Get a job, son.
KEN: Fine!
Ken starts to exit.
JOE: Happy Easter!
KEN: Yeah yeah!
Ken exits. Joe picks up the Bible and opens it.
JOE: “Why are you looking for the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen.” Hmm. (looks up at the audience) Where are you looking for Jesus?