By John Cosper
Ted – A speaker in church
Phil – A guy with too much money
Mildred – Phil’s daughter
Ted enters. He holds up a small plastic pearl.
TED: The kingdom of Heaven is like a pearl of priceless value. When a man saw it for sale, he ran, and sold everything he had. He took every dime he had saved and all he earned from selling his many—
Phil runs on stage.
PHIL: Excuse me, fella? Sorry to interrupt you. Is that the pearl of priceless value?
TED: Well, I was just telling the people that—
PHIL: How much you want for it?
PHIL: I know it’s priceless, but you have to want something for it, right?
TED: Sir, I don’t think you understand—
PHIL: Son, I don’t think you understand. I’ve been looking my whole life for this pearl! I have to have it!
TED: But really, sir, this pearl is—
PHIL: A million dollars!
PHIL: A million not enough? Okay, five million!
TED: Five million dollars? For this?
PHIL: Playing hardball, huh? Okay, fine. Fifty million!
TED: Fifty million dollars??
PHIL: I have to have the pearl!
TED: Sir, please, if you’ll let me finish what I was saying…
PHIL: You know what? Here. I’m giving you my checkbook. There’s 1.2 billion dollars in my savings. It’s all yours. Do you understand? Every dime I have is yours!
TED: That’s insane!
PHIL: Still not enough for you? Okay! Here’s the deed to my house. It’s the big one in the back of Millionaire Estates.
TED: You’re giving me a million dollar home?
PHIL: It’s actually 9.2 million, but who’s counting at this point?
TED: Sir, that’s very generous, but I—
PHIL: Here’s the key to my car! And my other car! And the other. That’s a Ferrari, a Rolls Royce, and a Datsun 280Z.
TED: A Datsun?
PHIL: It’s sentimental, but if giving up that Z car will get me that pearl—
TED: I don’t want your Z car!
PHIL: You want the jet? Of course! Take the jet! And the yacht! And my daughter Mildred!
TED: Your daughter too???
PHIL: Look, I’ll level with you. She has a badly deviated septum, and she snores like a freight train, but she’s a scratch golfer, and man, can she bowl!
TED: Sir, I don’t want any of these things!
PHIL: Then what do you want? I’ve given you everything but the shirt off my back!
TED: Oh no!
PHIL: Oh yes! Here! Take my shirt! My keys! The checkbook! Mildred! It’s all yours! Now please, give me the pearl!
TED: Okay, okay! Here!
Phil and Ted exchange all of Phil’s stuff for the pearl.
PHIL: At last, it’s mine! All mine!
Phil runs off stage. Ted goes on, still puzzled.
TED: So as I was saying, the kingdom of Heaven is like… that pearl. When a man saw the pearl, he sold everything he had. Just so he could have it.
TED: You must be Mildred.
TED: Wanna go bowling?
MILDRED: Sure, okay.