Free Skit: World’s Fastest House Warming Party

Jeff and Addie are friends of mine in real life. I certainly hope they’ve never been to a party like this, but I’m pretty sure this is how it would go down if they did. Share and enjoy.

World’s Fastest House Warming Party
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Todd- A foolish builder
Ron- A wise builder
Jeff and Addie – Neighbors
Other party guests

Tables are set on on stage with drinks, snacks, etc. A sprinkling of party guests are on stage enjoying the food and drink. Todd has a tray of hors d’oeuvres and is serving as the lights come up. Jeff and Addie enter.

TODD: Hi there.
JEFF: Hello. Is this the house warming party?
TODD: Yes it is. I’m Todd Maxwell, and you are?
JEFF: I’m Jeff, and this is my wife Addie.
ADDIE: Hello.
TODD: Hello, thank you for coming. Care for an hors d’oeuvres?
ADDIE: Ohh, thank you.
JEFF: So you’re the guy who built the house?
TODD: Yes, sir, I am. How do you like it?
JEFF: I love it.
ADDIE: It’s so beautiful!
JEFF: Is this real marble we’re standing on?
TODD: It is! I ordered that special from Italy.
ADDIE: It’s gorgeous.
JEFF: I told you we need to do this when we re-do our kitchen.
TODD: Have a look around. I spared no expense, from the foundation up to the attic.
ADDIE: It’s all very lovely.
JEFF: Yeah. There’s just one thing I don’t get. Why did you build your house down here on the beach and not up on the rock?
TODD: (laughs) Have a drink, folks, enjoy the party.
JEFF: But I–
ADDIE: Oh, look, Jeffy, they have Near Beer!

Addie and Jeff walk over to a table to get some drinks. Ron enters.

RON: Hello, Todd.
TODD: Hey there, Ron. How are you?
RON: So, you really did it. You built your house.
TODD: It’s a beauty, isn’t it?
RON: It is… for now.
TODD: Still don’t believe it’s going to last?
RON: I told you from the beginning, for a few dollars more, you could have built on the rock up the hill next to mine.
TODD: Have an hors d’oeuvres and stop worrying. This house isn’t going anywhere.

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff walks over to Todd.

JEFF: Hey, buddy, I think the bedrooms on the back of your house just broke off and fell into the sand.
TODD: Nonsense, Jim.
JEFF: It’s Jeff.
TODD: Have another hors d’oeuvres and enjoy yourself.

Jeff walks away with an hors d’oeuvres. Addie excuses herself silently and exits.

RON: This is what I was talking about. This house won’t stay very long on the sand. There’s a pretty strong wind blowing out there, and all this marble and stone and brick is only going to make it sink faster.
TODD: Don’t you have a place of your own to hang out?
RON: I do, and if you’re smart, you and all these people will move this party up to my house. I’ll fire up the grill.
TODD: I already have a grill fired up out back.

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff walks over to Todd.

JEFF: Hey, buddy, your back porch just fell off your house into the sand. I think it’s on fire!
RON: There goes the grill.
TODD: Everybody just calm down. This house isn’t going anywhere. It’s solid marble.

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff runs to stage left and looks.

RON: There goes another one.
JEFF: Hey, buddy! Your bathroom just fell into the sand – with my wife in it! Addie!

Jeff runs off stage.

RON: Okay, Todd, party’s over. Everyone, we’re getting out of here, now!

All the party guests exit quickly, ignoring Todd.

TODD: Don’t listen to this know-it-all! He’s just trying to steal my thunder. He can’t stand that I built a better house here on the sand and proved him wrong!

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a scream. Jeff and Addie walk through. Addie is completely covered in sand and dirt and looks like Pig Pen as she crosses.

ADDIE: Bye bye, everybody! Thanks for the hors d’oeuvres!

Jeff and Addie exit.

RON: Are you coming?
TODD: No way! I’m staying right here.
RON: Okay, then. Good luck!

Ron exits.

TODD: I don’t need luck! I have a beautiful house, and it doesn’t matter what I built it on. Nothing’s gonna take this house –

There’s a gust of wind, loud crack, crumble, and crash sound, followed by a blackout on stage.

JEFF: (a long way off) Hey buddy, you okay down there?
TODD: (clicks on a lighter) Great! Never better. Would one of you mind cutting a hole in my roof?